Jun 17, 2002 Mom was right: It's rude not to RSVP; Casual attitude is driving hosts crazy USA Today; Maria Puente (condensed version) RSVPs are common these days, which perhaps makes them seem less deserving of our attention. Twenty-five years ago, it would have been rare to see an RSVP for a wedding, much less a child's birthday party. Back then, it was mostly the elite who encountered RSVPs. Now, they go to ordinary schmoes who might have grown up in households where an RSVP never showed its face. Party-givers make it easy to RSVP, by enclosing stamped, self- addressed cards. Some brides send save-the-date cards -- sales of these have increased sharply -- months or even years in advance to make sure guests have plenty of time to plan. They set up Web sites to take RSVPs by e-mail. Hostesses include phone numbers and deadlines for replying. And still, people don't RSVP. Every year, millions of Americans open their mail, find an invitation and wonder: What the heck does RSVP mean? For those in the dark, it does NOT mean Refreshments Served Very Promptly. It does not mean throw the invitation in a pile and forget about it. It does not mean respond only if you're not coming, or respond the day of the party, or respond and then fail to show up. And it most certainly does not mean show up with extra guests. These days, they say, you could build a political party on the righteous indignation of brides, hosts, party planners and event organizers throughout the land who demand to know: Why don't people RSVP anymore? Actually, RSVP is the acronym for repondez s'il vous plait, or "Respond If You Please." In the old days, we knew what RSVP meant because Mom told us all about it; some schools even taught basic manners in home-ec classes. "A generation ago, when you received an invitation, you were expected to respond on your own stationery," says Margaret Shepherd, a calligrapher and author of The Art of the Handwritten Note, which aims to reclaim "civilized communication." But RSVPs are common these days, which perhaps makes them seem less deserving of our attention. Twenty-five years ago, it would have been rare to see an RSVP for a wedding, much less a child's birthday party. Back then, it was mostly the elite who encountered RSVPs. Now, they go to ordinary schmoes who might have grown up in households where an RSVP never showed its face. Party-givers make it easy to RSVP, by enclosing stamped, self- addressed cards. Some brides send save-the-date cards -- sales of these have increased sharply -- months or even years in advance to make sure guests have plenty of time to plan. They set up Web sites to take RSVPs by e-mail. Hostesses include phone numbers and deadlines for replying. And still, people don't RSVP. How come so many people are clueless? Robin Thompson, who runs Etiquette-Network, a charm school and online etiquette bulletin board (www.etiquettenetwork.com) in Pekin, Ill., says she believes most people have "good intentions" about RSVPs, then simply forget to do it. But she also acknowledges that there have been fundamental changes in society. "Both parents work, often they don't sit down for an evening meal together, which is where kids learn social skills. Plus, we live in a very relaxed atmosphere right now," Thompson says. "They've been raised by wolves and have the manners to reflect it," snaps Jennifer Kay Cortese, 31, of Royal Oak, Mich., who's still annoyed about the quarter of her guests who had to be called - - some more than once -- to find out if they would attend her wedding. "I had one woman RSVP to both (shower and wedding) and then not show up at either. She never so much as made mention of an apology, nor did she send a card, a gift -- nothing." Maybe it's just another unfortunate consequence of our go, go, go society: Our manners finally got up and left. Maybe it's about being in denial: We fear hurting a friend's feelings by saying no to her party, so we just don't deal with it. Or maybe it's the usual suspects. "Too much TV, too much acceptance of the lowest common denominator," laments Michael Beaton, 51, of Marshalltown, Iowa. Ask people about their experience with RSVPs and a torrent of venting and ranting and fuming pours out. Words like "lazy" and "rude" and "obnoxious" and "ticked off" are mentioned. Everyone has shocking -- shocking! -- tales of inconsiderate behavior: Brides with no head count only days before the wedding. Parents with no idea how many are coming to their child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Dinner parties with not enough food because someone didn't RSVP and showed up with out-of-town guests. Some people are just plain misinformed: They think RSVP is Latin, or maybe Italian. They think it means respond only if you'll be there. Or regrets only. Others think it's OK to pick and choose. "I always reply to things that are important to my family and friends," says Lowell Young, 67, of Mariposa, Calif. "I never reply to RSVPs from sources I don't know. Sadly, the commercial use of RSVPs has diminished their value, and people ignore them now." When Heather Tierney, 32, of Eureka, Calif., calls to say her son can't make it to a party, some hostesses act as if she's "from Mars," she says. "I get dead silence on the other end of the phone, as if to say, 'Well, if you're not coming, why are you calling us?' " Brides, however, are rarely relaxed, and the failure to RSVP makes their wedding planning all the more frantic. "I mean, how hard is it to call and say 'Yes, I'm coming' or 'No, I won't be able to make it'?" asks Mary Katherine Petty, 25, of Tulsa, who got married over the weekend. Sharon Stidham, 40, of Plano, Texas, frequently throws parties for her two kids and their friends at the local skating rink or pizza place, but she has learned to expect few RSVPs and between 10% and 50% no-shows -- which can be costly for the hostess. "We all have the same horrible constraints on our time, yet so many people think that the world revolves around them," she says. Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction or distribution is prohibited without permission. Home | Etiquette Book | Children/Teens | Corporate/College Class Locations | Press Coverage | Graduation Photos | Contact | Links